1. Text message from my spouse that reminds me that “inch by inch, life is a cinch — yard by yard, life is hard.”

2. The existence of Whole Foods when I need a vegetarian entree and don’t feel like making a fancy one. 

3. Seeing the first smile on the face of a person who has been in great pain.

4. New words from a toddler, “frustrated,” “expedition,” “quesadilla.”

5. Justin Timberlake, My Love

Oh. My. Word.

Raise your weak little sweaty hand if you’ve had the stomach flu recently! It took our house down like the Ushers and we’re just up today, yesterday. I said to Shaun that I hadn’t barfed like that since the 80s! Hoooowee!

That said, Ruby caught it on my heels and she wins the coveted Quote of the Flu award. She hurled over the side of the bed (we were sleeping together so we didn’t get the boys sick) and as she flopped back into the sack, a la 3AM, she oozed, “Mama, I feel craaazy.”

Mat Kearney, Nothing Left To Lose

1. Rumplestiltskin.  Creepy little dude but great name.

2. Method brand granite cleaner — it’s the only thing I have found that doesn’t make a streaky mess and it smells great!

3. Buy-in from my spouse when I want to take a class or need an “evening off.”

4. Salma Hayek’s boobs.  I’m just glad they’re around.  Almost as much as that kid was!

5. Kelis, My Milkshake

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

1. Kilian Back to Black: Aphrodisiac perfume.  What were they thinking with that name? It’s a sexy scent though.

2. Five o’clock shadows at 10AM.  Not on me, silly.

3. The fact that I quit smoking (which is not a small thing for anyone). Watching the show Mad Men is crazy-making with all the smoking.  And the smoking!  Madison Avenue must have just been a big smokey haze during the time the series is set.  One of the character’s gynecologist was smoking during an exam! Ohsweetheaven.

4. Getting a quick nap in an unexpected place — like the hair salon!

5. John Prine, Please Don’t Bury Me

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

I heard my critical voice today
like a wind-carried whisper
or a whistle from down a beach
a far-off squeak
a ticklish purr.

But this morning, instead of
reassurance within it
support and strength
and encouragement behind it
for the first time
I heard disease
in its thickest form
all sputters and judgments and growls.

Inside the simplest phrase
lay the covert beginnings
of countless drilling questions
waves of crushing inertia
bottomless bottles of shame…
“You should get up.”

The sun was just over the clouds.
The alarm had yet to sound.
“You should get up.”

My pulse quickened in defense
“What for!?” I shouted
down my mind’s foggy hallway
Was I to leap up, smiling?
Prepare steel-cut oatmeal
and caramelize bananas
for the still-sleeping children?
Fold the night’s laundry?
Write last week’s thank-you’s?
Recite thirty years of missed prayers
in these last lazy minutes?
Lose those lingering pounds?
Graduate college?

Perhaps with this ten-minute head start
I could dissect my family’s rage
reverse my years of despair
remember…discover? my strength.

“You should get up.”
Just eight minutes now.
Seven. Four.

I have seen addiction as a hyena
a slobbering beast in shadowed view
taut and pounce-ready.
But there is no such predator
no monster, no enemy.

It is me.
Just me
and this icy voice
which I am tuned to just today.
I am years into scratching
and fighting and writing and wailing…
today I am listening.
And instead of the oatmeal
the weight
the regret
I nuzzle back into the pillow.
I nurture myself. I pray.
I sigh for reprieve.
“You should get up.”

“Or not,” I smile…

Today
I hear what is true
It is not time for me
to get up.
It is time for me
to rise.

Note: I wrote this in March, after a particularly grueling week in my counseling group. I have Lee M. to thank for talking to me about my critical voice. Had he not told me what it sounded like — what everyone’s sounds like — I might never have heard mine.

Public Image Limited, Rise

So I started this alongside Schmutzie and had published quite a few (74, in fact!) before I pooped out in March. I don’t know that I will do one-a-day, but I would sure like to get to 365 (and know that I shared a year’s worth of gratitude, even if it takes me three and a half years to do it)! Maybe you’ll find some things here that make you smile, too.

1. Reading in bed underneath warm clean sheets.

2. New phrase from a toddler, “Yeah, I think so!”

3. My grey fuzzy scarf — I wear it at home all the time!

4. Being found by a friend who needs help.

5. Lone Justice, Shelter

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

Hi you guys.

2010. Say it with me! I can’t believe I left you all hanging for all that time. It’s taken me a few days (I was going to start writing at the turn of the year) to grasp it myself. Why the big break?

See I done me a lotta growin’ last year I did. Sure, there’s the 50 pounds I’ve put on (who knew raisin bread was so good?), but it’s more than that. It’s different. I’m different. I think I had to go inside for a while in order to present a clearer picture on the outside.

March 4, 2009 is my sobriety date, for one thing. Looks like I posted for about a week after that and then went into emotional boot camp of sorts. I really took time to focus on myself and my kids (they’re so much bigger!), and to find my footing there. My husband is great, and has been encouraging me to get back here for months. My friends have been patient. I think there are even some folks out there still checking Fannfare…

So, thank you. I’m back! I hope to see lots of you and to hear from you in comments, in email. How did you change or grow in 2009?

Sia, Little Black Sandals

1. Ellen Degeneres having her wife on the show — to promote her new show and play the Newlywed Game.

2. “Whoopee.”

3. To Tell the Truth

4. The hard drinkin’ and smokin’ crazies on Match Game

5. Molly Hatchett, Flirtin’ With Disaster

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

1. Shepherd throwing the football straight back over his head when he really means to throw it forward.

2. A. C. Moore, a kids’ craft dream store!

3. Magic Sand

4. Sculpey

5. Jane’s Addiction, Jane Says

Holy cow, folks. I think I almost wept watching this trailer. I am so excited Spike Jonze got a hold of this. Handle with care, Spike.

Where The Wild Things Are, The Movie!

Arcade Fire, Wake Up