Lots of news, people. I’ll try not to marathon-post, but that’s what happens when you’re in a fog for weeks (months?) — you “wake up” with lots to say.
First, a celebration! I rode the metro last week to an appointment. My son was 18 days old, and I was still trudging around with a separated pelvis. The pain was considerably better, but still not over. I shlepped onto the escalator and got behind someone that wasn’t moving on the left side. That’s bad metro form, folks. Standers on the right, walkers on the left. When I stepped to go around this fella, it hit me. THE PAIN IS GONE. I can’t say that was the moment the pain actually ended, but it was the moment I noticed it. I stepped, with confidence, without pain, and with a serious JOY around the guy and practically sprinted up the escalator stairs.
Ruby was 10 days old when the pain went away after my first pregnancy. So this time, I endured 8 extra days, and a much longer dependence on pain meds to get through the prenatal months.
What about those pain meds, you ask? I haven’t taken one since last Tuesday night. Wednesday morning, as I wrote about, I went to a “Detox Day” at the same clinic where I learned “All About Booze” a couple of years ago.
From what I understood going in, I was to take my last dose no later than midnight, as they had to get me into “lite withdrawal” in order to figure out how much of the helpful meds I would need to get me over the physical hump.
On the train ride over, Shaun and I didn’t talk much. I started to experience what I had been calling my “kick-ass” feelings (as in, I Want To Kick Your Ass, not “Hey man, this is kick-ass!”) at about 7:30AM when we walked to the station. I got a little tremor-y, and certainly very anxious. By the time we got to the office and met with the Doc, I had started to feel the “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT” feelings and I was pretty uncomfortable. I filled out some paperwork and talked to the doc for a bit, and then he gave me 2mg of subutex. He decided against suboxone because you can’t nurse on that. I had planned to “pump and dump” while on this particular medication, but with subutex, Shepherd would be getting only bupenorphine and not the other, more harmful (to babies) ingredient is so it’s safe. I had pumped enough to get through a day anyway, and Lord knows he (Shepherd) was “on” percoset for as long as I was, and he’s doing great.
I can say that the meds made me vewy sweepy, and continued to for the next several days. I guess the docs figure if you are in a stupor, you can’t think about the percosets. I remember Mary, in my group, talking about being addicted to pain meds, and falling asleep mid-bite at the dinner table, she was on so many of them. I did a little bit of that this last week. I would catch myself halfway through a typed paragraph or asleep over an almost-folded clean onesie — and realized that I would probably be off the helpful meds faster than anyone thought. Thankfully I haven’t taken any of anything today and I feel pretty good.
I miss the percoset(s), like one would miss a friend or a crutch. They make a body feel good, what can I say? They take pain away, and they add good feelings on top of that. BUT. So do newborns. And warm evenings on the glider out front. And good poetry. And funny, smart daughters who keep you on your toes.
And sleep. Which is what I plan to get, even if it’s in small doses, right now.
Oh, and PUPPIES.
Johnny Nash, I Can See Clearly Now