The Statler Brothers, Flowers on the Wall

A few days ago I celebrated one year sober.

And, as my buddy noted, March 4th is a great day to have to celebrate, because it’s not only a goal, it’s also a command.  A wish.  A plan.  So, that’s what I am going to do.  Will you join me here?

I can honestly say I am a different person than I was a year ago.  Maybe you will read that in my words here as time goes on.  Maybe you have seen me and experienced it.  Living by the principles of a 12-step program is extremely challenging, but ultimately so rewarding.  Hopefully not just for me, but for the people who encounter me as well.

Thank you for all your support over the last many months.  Even when I wasn’t posting I felt you all pulling for me.  I plan to spend more time here at Fannfare, too, so stick around!

Coldplay, God Put A Smile Upon Your Face

2. Businesses that donate goods and services for community fundraising events (plug!)

3. There’s a fella I see every few days that’s reading a well-loved hardback copy of Roots by Alex Haley. I remember loving that book when I was young (moving! racey! race-y! angry! strong!) — it’s fun to see someone carrying such an important memory of mine, and important work, around.

4. Friday Eye Candy on MamaPop.  Sometimes you just need a little sugah.

5. Sugarcubes, Birthday

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

Case in point: I get on the train today, and there’s a guy with an empty seat next to him that’s about as wide as me (read: we’re both wide).  It’s a straight shot of about 10-12 stations to my office, though, so I decided to take the seat.  As we zipped along, the seats around us started emptying out.  At one point, the seat right in front of us became empty.  I stayed put, thinking I only had a few more stops, so what’s the hurry?  I am always sensitive to moving away from someone, as if they have the plague or are too big or smelly or something.  Don’t move = don’t make someone feel self-conscious.

Then, this woman who was sitting catty-corner to us (mind you, she was in the handicapped seats and other than suffering from an obvious case of crab-itis, she had no ailments), barked at me “aren’t you going to move?”  I did the whole “you lookin’ at me?” bob of my head, until I realized that yes, she was looking at and barking at me.  The guy next to me hadn’t moved an inch this whole time. He was no help at all.  A whole seat full of No Opinion.

I didn’t say anything.  Nor did I move.  The woman glared at me and rolled her eyes a painful number of times.  Finally, the man next to me seemed to spring to life, but only to clear his throat as if he were going to speak, and then didn’t.  He did this, loudly, three or four times.  What was he saying there?

It was just weird.  And uncomfortable.  I could turn it into this whole P/C thing too, because I and The Barker were two of very few Caucasian people on that car of the train.  Why would I move?  Because we filled the seat?  Because my neighbor was African American?  Or is there some unspoken rule that one is always supposed to scurry into a Seat For One on the train. Can’t we just all sit together and get along?

Your thoughts?

We are the ones who make a better day, just you and me!

Bob Marley, Get Up, Stand Up

2. Then, the inevitable parody of something creative and beautiful.  I especially love the enormous line of coke he does at about 1:20. Holy two-day high, Batman!

3. Leg warmers!  I don’t know who authorized their re-entry into society, but they make me smile.  And Ruby sportin’ around in her black and metallic silver ones just cracks me up.  Girls just wanna have fun!

4. Expressionery.com.  I love all things paper and monogram and pen/pencil and envelope and correspondence and this site makes it even more glamorous and affordable. And, they occasionally have a monster of a sale that makes it a great place for gift shopping.

5. Michael McDonald, Minute by Minute

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

2. The existence of Whole Foods when I need a vegetarian entree and don’t feel like making a fancy one. 

3. Seeing the first smile on the face of a person who has been in great pain.

4. New words from a toddler, “frustrated,” “expedition,” “quesadilla.”

5. Justin Timberlake, My Love

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

Raise your weak little sweaty hand if you’ve had the stomach flu recently! It took our house down like the Ushers and we’re just up today, yesterday. I said to Shaun that I hadn’t barfed like that since the 80s! Hoooowee!

That said, Ruby caught it on my heels and she wins the coveted Quote of the Flu award. She hurled over the side of the bed (we were sleeping together so we didn’t get the boys sick) and as she flopped back into the sack, a la 3AM, she oozed, “Mama, I feel craaazy.”

Mat Kearney, Nothing Left To Lose

2. Method brand granite cleaner — it’s the only thing I have found that doesn’t make a streaky mess and it smells great!

3. Buy-in from my spouse when I want to take a class or need an “evening off.”

4. Salma Hayek’s boobs.  I’m just glad they’re around.  Almost as much as that kid was!

5. Kelis, My Milkshake

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

2. Five o’clock shadows at 10AM.  Not on me, silly.

3. The fact that I quit smoking (which is not a small thing for anyone). Watching the show Mad Men is crazy-making with all the smoking.  And the smoking!  Madison Avenue must have just been a big smokey haze during the time the series is set.  One of the character’s gynecologist was smoking during an exam! Ohsweetheaven.

4. Getting a quick nap in an unexpected place — like the hair salon!

5. John Prine, Please Don’t Bury Me

Battle against embitterment and take part in 365 days of Grace in Small Things.

But this morning, instead of
reassurance within it
support and strength
and encouragement behind it
for the first time
I heard disease
in its thickest form
all sputters and judgments and growls.

Inside the simplest phrase
lay the covert beginnings
of countless drilling questions
waves of crushing inertia
bottomless bottles of shame…
“You should get up.”

The sun was just over the clouds.
The alarm had yet to sound.
“You should get up.”

My pulse quickened in defense
“What for!?” I shouted
down my mind’s foggy hallway
Was I to leap up, smiling?
Prepare steel-cut oatmeal
and caramelize bananas
for the still-sleeping children?
Fold the night’s laundry?
Write last week’s thank-you’s?
Recite thirty years of missed prayers
in these last lazy minutes?
Lose those lingering pounds?
Graduate college?

Perhaps with this ten-minute head start
I could dissect my family’s rage
reverse my years of despair
remember…discover? my strength.

“You should get up.”
Just eight minutes now.
Seven. Four.

I have seen addiction as a hyena
a slobbering beast in shadowed view
taut and pounce-ready.
But there is no such predator
no monster, no enemy.

It is me.
Just me
and this icy voice
which I am tuned to just today.
I am years into scratching
and fighting and writing and wailing…
today I am listening.
And instead of the oatmeal
the weight
the regret
I nuzzle back into the pillow.
I nurture myself. I pray.
I sigh for reprieve.
“You should get up.”

“Or not,” I smile…

Today
I hear what is true
It is not time for me
to get up.
It is time for me
to rise.

Note: I wrote this in March, after a particularly grueling week in my counseling group. I have Lee M. to thank for talking to me about my critical voice. Had he not told me what it sounded like — what everyone’s sounds like — I might never have heard mine.

Public Image Limited, Rise